Looking back I can now see that I have spent my 34 years on this Earth searching for something to fill the void I have inside myself. I sought to find my whole-ness in drugs, men, my child, material possessions, shopping, money, working and anything else you can imagine. For as far back as I can remember I have felt this emptiness inside that nothing can fill. I’ve been addicted to prescription medication for the past 13 years and have been in and out of jail, inpatient and outpatient recovery programs. I have participated in a 2 year Drug Court program and have graduated all of these programs successfully every single time. However, none of it stuck around for long after completion, and I went right back to the lifestyle I have lived my entire adult life. I started losing all hope, believing I could never conquer this addiction, or change my life into the image I have always wanted it to be.
I was ordered to go somewhere by the courts, but I got to decide where that somewhere was going to be. Initially I rebelled against the idea of coming to Through the Gate. It would mean giving up my safe little pocket of freedom and security that I had etched out in the recovery program I was familiar with. But amongst all the fear and doubt I had and decisions that had to be made, there was this inner director telling me what I did not want to hear. That this program was faith-based, that I have never tried anything like it before and that it was what I needed. Boy, how I did NOT want it though I, and everyone around me, knew it was right where I needed to be. I remember telling myself, “Lindsay, if you want different, you must DO different.”
I arrived in September, full of that same fear and doubt. Full of the same attitude of hopelessness and indifference. Full of the mindset to just do my time and get it done. But something started to change all that about 3 weeks into the program and it had nothing to do with me at all. Left to my own devices and thoughts, I have, at best, just coasted through life. Left to the power of the Holy Spirit working inside me, and the grace and love of my merciful Heavenly Father I am beginning to LIVE!
With the help of the class schedule here at TTG, from addiction classes to theology classes to Kingdom living classes, and the love of all of those who teach, guide, volunteer, and minister here every single day, I am finally seeing for the first time in my life that the void I have been trying all my life to fill can only be filled with my loving Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, who loved me beyond my circumstances.
In His Love,