Hello again dear friends! Welcome back to my blog and thanks for hanging in there with me!
As I write this I’ve been here at TTG for almost three months now and let me tell you about the ways God has been blessing me! I’m very excited to share this with you, faithful reader and wretched sinner, but do not despair we have a lot more in common than you think! God is working in your life too in ways that you might not even understand.
I’ve been blessed in many ways and I’ll share those with you because good news travels fast but don’t be alarmed when I also share with you some other ways God is blessing me with trials and tribulations, struggles and pain. It is all a part of God’s plan and necessary to mold me into the person I was meant to be!
As we approach this Christmas season I’ve been blessed with seeing not one but all four of my children! Those who know me, know that it has been a very long time since I’ve been reunited with my babies. My oldest will be turning eighteen in the middle of this upcoming year and aside from a few far off glimpses at his Varsity football games, we haven’t spoken to one another in over two years. This sad fact is a direct result of my sin and the consequences of it. In my drug addiction and constant turmoil of depression anxiety and insolence I was unable to visit my child. I was either too high to function or too embarrassed to contact him. When I would get sober for a while all those old melancholy feelings and depression about missing out on my children’s lives would settle back into their usual places, in my wicked heart and my creeping conscious. The vicious cycle of depression and defeat would overcome me once again and back out onto the streets I would go, searching and finding drugs to numb the pain of the lives I had left behind. This cycle of getting clean for a few days or weeks followed by depression and then finally defeat as I used again would result in the breaking down of my soul. It had been almost eight months since I had seen my two youngest daughters and to protect them their father had eliminated all contact from me to them which only further broke my heart. My oldest daughter and I have had one brief visit in the last year in which I was high when I went to see her. For her safety her grandmother stopped answering phone calls and denied me visits with her which was something new for me. They had always been so good to me about seeing her whenever I could. Now I had blown that too.
Well over this past weekend I finally saw my gorgeous son at his Varsity wrestling match. Gone away was the feeling of shame of what other people might think of me as a mother and I cheered and screamed for him louder than any other parent there. I didn’t even care or notice. I recall not too long ago at his homecoming football game that I shrunk down in my seat on the bleachers ashamed and embarrassed to have people know that the local drug addicted loser was this beautiful child’s mother. I am blessed to say God has not only provided me with another chance to mother my children but even granted me a picture with my son who is now taller than I and his father both! The tears were pouring with joy as I saw a younger male version of myself and I beamed with pride as he accepted me welcoming in a hugging and tender embrace. Oh how I have missed him! To top it off his father didn’t even run down the bleachers to stop our communication which is a new experience all together for me. Thank you My God for this gift of love! I shared the picture of us on facebook and I’ve received the most likes ever for any picture I’ve ever posted. The out poor of congratulations and support have been very much appreciated. I’ve hid behind the mask of shame for far too long.
Two weeks ago I was blessed with seeing my two youngest daughters in the town Christmas parade for their girl scout troop. They passed by too quickly for a photo then, so I squeezed them each tightly and sent them on their way with my love. I must admit I was more than a little sad to not have been able to get a picture with them as we were walking away afterwards and I had no more than spoken my prayer aloud to please just have the chance to get a picture when lo and behold, there were my babies! Standing close together, protecting and loving one another and watching the final floats of the parade pass by. I ran up to them thanking God for this opportunity and managed a quick picture before their attention was directed away by the nearest float. I wasn’t upset but overjoyed at the blessing of getting a picture of me sober with my precious gifts from God. Thank you God for these gifts!
And finally, just last week I was blessed with a two hour visit with my oldest daughter, the one who no doubt remembered our last visit together and how I could barely keep my eyes open. Would she accept me so willingly? Her father and I have been in and out of prison and jail her whole life. She has been put through a lot in her delicate twelve years on this earth. The answer is yes! We danced and laughed and took pictures. I played with her hair and we talked about clothes her siblings and of course Jesus Christ. She even allowed me to put her on my lap and rock her like a little baby singing the little nursery rhyme that I first wrote for her brother almost eighteen years ago and that I would sing to each subsequent child in their infancy. I cried the entire time and she didn’t shrug away or tell me to stop. She looked at me with love and understanding. Thank you God for this miracle of a new heart!
So you see, my friend, with pain and suffering comes the greatest rewards of our life. Don’t give up before the miracle happens. I pray for each one of you to be blessed with your hearts desires as you come to know the Father. God bless you all and Merry Christmas!