I am a thirty-five year old mess. This well known fact is my newest observation of myself. Those who know me would say “Duh, Meisha.” It’s obvious. I have no job, no home, not a dime to my name. I have broken relationships with everyone I know. My life, up to this point, has been a web of deceit and lies and just utter depravity.
The really disgusting fact about my life is that I considered myself to be an “okay” person. I love people. I’m giving, I care, I feel for others. I help little old ladies carry their groceries to the car. I listen and talk with other people who are struggling and I try to offer advice or a shoulder to cry on. In comparison to say Hitler, I am an “okay” person. But next to Christ, my sins are embarrassingly clear. I lie, I cheat and I steal. But I didn’t murder a whole nation of people. I don’t molest children. I don’t do this or I don’t do that.
That is how I’ve lived my life the past thirty-five years. Well, I’m not as bad as that guy, so I’m doing okay. It could always be worse. This is true, it could always get worse… but what I didn’t understand is that it doesn’t have to get any worse! In fact, it can get so much better!
Recognizing my sin for exactly what it is has been an eye-opening experience, let me tell you. And if I hadn’t come to TTG I’m not sure if I ever would have even noticed the degree to which I was sinning. My sins were never as bad as the next person but they were getting progressively worse. I hadn’t even really noticed how bad it had gotten because the scale to which I judged myself just slid a little further down as my sins piled on. When it got right down to the nitty gritty of it however, I realized just how much of a mess I am in.
All the things that I do not have are a direct result of my actions. I can blame this person or that person for what I needed and didn't get or should have been told and wasn’t. But when it comes right down to it, my life is a mess because I have made it that way. I have been holding myself to a sliding scale of depravity. What I have is directly because of what I have or have not done in my life. I am constantly telling myself that at least I'm not as bad as that guy. I’m a good person and I am entitled to things. This is simply not true. I am not good. At all. And I am entitled to nothing.
Jesus was good and he got nothing in this life. He was tortured and killed for being spotless and I’m expecting to have my children back and everyone’s respect and trust because I’ve been a lying cheating drug addict my entire life. Now this might sound totally crazy to someone else reading this but that is exactly how I thought. Well I don’t molest my kids and that guy does and he has his kids so I deserve my kids. That woman does drugs every night after she gets off work and she has a job. I should be able to do drugs and have a job too. That woman slept with my husband so I’m going to go sleep with hers and show her how that feels. Wrong, wrong, sick and wrong.
My whole attitude of life has been affected by my new understanding of Christ and I am so excited to be on this path of discovery! Every day is a learning experience that cuts down to the very center of me and my sinful heart. Every day I’m exposing my sinful nature and holding myself accountable. I base my expected behaviors and actions on the stationary perfect scale of Christ. Gone away is this ever climbing degree of depravity that has ruled my life.
Each sin was progressively worse than the previous and I had to keep changing the basis for this scale of judgement as my sin progressed. Eventually I would surpass Hitler and then what? Who could I compare myself to then? What I never fully grasped was that I AM NO BETTER THAN HITLER! Sure I haven't killed a million people, but I have killed someone. I haven’t molested my children but I’ve robbed them in other ways that are equally as destructive. I’ve been negligent. I have had affairs. I have lied, a lot and stolen. I’ve been a sinner since birth and who I should have been holding myself accountable to was Christ and perhaps I wouldn’t have fallen so far. Who could know?
I could beat myself up about the what-if’s and coulda shoulda woulda’s but the important thing is that I am aware now and I am making the necessary changes. TTG has been instrumental in showing me the areas I need to improve on in my life and for that I am forever grateful.