My childhood was complicated and I was bullied a lot in school. I was raised by my mother and my step dad and it was not often I saw my biological father. My mother and I had a friendly relationship but I never confided in her. There are things most girls could go to their mom and talk to them about but because of my pride, I didn’t want her help or for her to tell me what to do. I was very rebellious and combative toward my step dad and no matter what he said, I would turn it around. There were times that I realized I was instigating but it always felt like it was too late for confrontation.
When I was a teenager I started to self-harm because I told myself my parents were unfair and I was not a normal teenager. I was angry at my stepdad because my friends were put off by him. There was always arguing and he would put my friends to work, so I began to feel alone and act out. Throughout school the combination of special ED classes I was in and having red hair and freckles made me a target for bullying. Boys were especially harsh to me, calling me ugly, stupid, throwing things at me, knocking books out of my hands, and saying that I did not fit in. It caused me to tear myself apart and lash out at them in violence, resulted in disciplinary actions. Even in kindergarten I was fighting in an attempt to defend myself. My mother told me to never let someone beat us up if they hit us first. And if we let it happen, we would be in trouble at home. So I equated violence with sticking up for myself.
In high school I started attending a Nazarene church on Wednesdays for a while, but I never remember hearing the gospel there. I was always goofing off, smoking cigarettes, and falling asleep during service so they viewed me as a bad influence. After having my sin pointed out for the last time, I decided to stop going. I had no idea who God was and he was basically make believe to me at that point.
Around this time, I thought I would experiment with marijuana but got caught the first time I tried it. We were on school property and I ended up being restricted to the special ED classrooms all day long. I was grounded for 3 months, was unable to continue talking to one of the girls, and the other girl got sent away and I never saw her again. Two years later in my junior year, I decided to consider my future and follow in my mother’s foot steps as a beautician. It was something that my mom and I could do together and I already had some knowledge of the trade because of her. But after a fight with my parents led me to switch schools, I never went back to get my hours. At the new school, I started doing online classes and got a lot of hands on help: graduating mid-term. I did not get picked a whole lot so it was an easy adjustment and I was able to make friends more easily.
Being out of my mom’s house was a new found freedom. During my senior year I decided to start smoking pot and drinking alcohol because I thought it would make me fit in better. Nobody was talking about how it could destroy your life, but even if they had I would not have listened. I was stubborn and self-serving. I started an unhealthy relationship with a man who constantly put me down, but I did not see it as harmful. I was used to being put down and feeling rejected so it did not seem abnormal at the time. After getting pregnant with twins I lost them both in my first trimester. My relationship ended shortly after, so I was struggling with the grief of losing my children alone. That’s when I was introduced to meth by a couple of so called friends. She said it would make me really happy and I would not think about it, so I decided to try it. And the male who was present became my boyfriend for the next 7 years, then we got married.
It didn’t take long before I was shooting up meth every day. There was nothing I would not do to get high: stealing, selling drugs and ripping people off left and right. I was running the streets and avoiding my family, where I could have had some stability. Still holding on to the grudge I had against them for not seeing things my way, I bought into the lie that I was unwanted. For 10 years I battled with addiction. I was incarcerated several times but none of that stillness gave me clarity. My charges were for theft, paraphernalia, minor consumption, and probation revocations. I told myself that they weren’t drug charges so I didn’t need to change.
In 2018 I had a reality check, one of my childhood friends died from a heroin overdose and I used that as an excuse to get more high than usual. With that goal in mind, I started mixing the meth with suboxone and acting out in ways I normally wouldn’t. Instead of stealing to get high, I was stealing for fun and looking for mischief. I thought it would be exciting to play middle man in a drug exchange that went wrong. During the transfer, the buyer asked to see the purchase before he paid and I told him not until he handed me the cash.
While pretending to look for his wallet, he pulled out a knife and threatened to stab me. I still would not give in but he was a lot bigger than me and we got into a physical altercation that led to me trying to run away. Before I made it to the sidewalk I hit the ground and started yelling for help. The man drove off without the drugs and I ran inside, embarrassed because I thought I peed in my pants. I knew something was wrong because I felt something warm running down my back and my legs but there was nothing on my pants. Someone who saw my blood trail into the bathroom kicked in the door and we saw that I had been stabbed.
All I could think about was “where are my drugs?” The person who bandaged me up told me I needed to go to the hospital because it was close to my spine but I ignored it and got high instead. It took 2 hours before I was convinced to seek medical attention and I was nervous on the way. I made up a story about someone trying to kidnap me so that I didn’t have to admit to using drugs. Despite the fact that they didn’t believe me in the hospital, I did not get in trouble for what I did. Over time, I have had a total of 3 corrective back surgeries.
After that I never sold drugs or pointed anyone in the direction of getting drugs, but I continued getting high myself. My marriage had always been rocky, with adultery and violence. I was constantly getting in fights with women he was sleeping with and eventually I stopped picking up the phone. My husband and another women called me in on a warrant to get me out of the picture so they could live together. The police showed up and took me to jail for what would be the last time.
Without him in my life I had nothing to turn to. So I started reading all the books in jail, my Bunkie always tried to get me to read the Holy Bible. I was uninterested at first but watching her read faithfully every day and take notes started to catch my attention. She wasn’t interested in the drama and I asked her why? I asked her what she was getting out of it? So she started reading scripture with me and I felt like I was learning. Her family ended up giving me a ride into town after I was released and having been introduced to Jesus, I thought I had it all figured out. But in my pride, I relapsed. Proverbs 16:18 says that pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
After falling for a man who didn’t want me to use, I stopped using again. A couple of trusted Christian friends picked us both up and we began staying with them to get back on our feet. My boyfriend left after only a week but I didn’t want to start getting high again so I stayed. I found myself sleeping a lot at first but they were a good example of walking out the Christian life. They exposed me to real love and compassion, they took care of me. I saw what it was like to live for the Lord and I wanted that more than what I had before. There was nothing to pull me away from the drugs and people in the past, but now there was something different: this amazing Savior. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 all scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
I attended a graduation at Through The Gate with the couple I was staying with and I was very uncomfortable because I didn’t know anyone. I ended up coming to TTG with them more and more and getting exposed to some of the classes, but I was afraid to form new relationships with the women in the program. Alisha Stacy was the first one I met and she was very friendly and cheerful, telling me all about the program. I was not interested in applying at this point but I started to get comfortable with the girls and open up more.
After staying with this family for about 9 months, they started having some difficult issues that resulted in me needing somewhere else to stay. I didn’t know anybody else who I could stay with and I was nervous about it, but a staff member of TTG opened up her home to me and I was dropped off there. It was fun and I felt welcomed and cared for at her house. I felt like I had nothing to give but she didn’t care, she took care of me anyway. She started talking to me about the logic of applying at Through The Gate, but my emotions were affecting my decisions and I did not want to go. This resulted in a meeting with Steve Covington, the director.
With all the counsel I had received, there was a lot to consider. At first I was extremely anxious and scared, it felt like I would be back sliding. But after about a week, I finally made the decision to let go of my fears and I become a resident at Through The Gate. It was definitely an adjustment but I have made long lasting friendships with women in the program. Being at TTG has given me a new family and a relationship with Christ.
I have learned how to read and interpret scripture, studying it verse by verse. I have learned what it means to find my identity whole heartedly in a way that I couldn’t come close to doing with drugs. I’ve learned what it looks like to glorify Christ, to serve others, and confront people. When I first got there I did not know how to deal with conflict. Fighting was the only way I ever knew and it never ended well.
Now I am a apart of my families lives and I trust myself to go over there. I would have never done that before because I did not have self-control or strong convictions. But today I have the opportunity to tell them about Christ and love them the way He would.
There is so much to be thankful for, but above all I am thankful to Christ for using multiple people and TTG to bring me to Himself. My life now is filled with awesome joy (98% of the time) and I have compassion like I’ve never had. All of my thoughts and desires have changed and the Lord has taken me to a new place where I can bring Him glory. Now in Christ I am no longer an addict but His child. I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve His forgiveness, yet He still gives it to me. I am not the same person that I used to be.
I would encourage women in the program now to stick it out and be willing to put your all into it. If you are willing to give your heart to Christ, you can be free from your addiction.
My life verse is Romans 8:28 because looking back when life would start to look hopeless I would remind myself what it says : and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
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